Tool is hard at work on a new album. Supposedly. According to Melvins frontman and apparent finger-in-an-electric-socket victim Buzz Osborne, the album is going to consist of epic tracks, none shorter than 12 minutes. When I heard this I started stockpiling LSD and pillows for the best listening party of all time.
Sources close to the band have indicated that the album should be released sometime between next week and the eventual heat death of the universe. However, just like another long-awaited album–Guns & Roses’ fetid hunk of shit “Chinese Democracy,” I’ll believe it when I’m holding a copy of it in my hands (or downloading a FLAC torrent of it, if we’re being totally honest here).
Unfortunately, the wait for the new Tool album hasn’t involved such delightful deviations as Maynard getting fat, trying out cornrows, and getting his ass kicked by Tommy Hilfiger.
If you’re a long-suffering Tool fan like me, you’ve probably tried just about everything to make the wait for their new album easier, tactics including, but not limited to:
-Sitting on your hand until it goes numb, then masturbating to A Perfect Circle albums, so it feels like someone else is living a tragically pathetic life.
-Drinking yourself into a stupor on Caduceus Cellars wine while listening to the superior live version of “Pushit” off of Salival.
-Trying in vain to actually like Puscifer. Again.
If you’re tired of all of those options—fear not, intrepid Toolhead. Why not play some Carole King?
That’s right, you incredulous koalas–much like Vin Diesel used to do gay porn (a rumor that’s probably not true, but I never bothered to Snopes), Tool’s drummer Danny Carey used to do session work for many recording artists, including Ms. “I Feel The Earth Move Under My Feet” herself.*
*Not an actual nickname for Carole King.
Check out this awesome track!
Okay, if you actually listened to that song, I’m deeply sorry. It sucks. But hey, that was some fancy hi-hat work, right? And how about those butt-rock drum fills? Huh? Huh? No. You’re right. I’m still deeply sorry.
But anyway, I delivered exactly what the fuck I promised—a hard-hitting exposé on the connection between Tool and Carole King. So get off my back.
BTW, if you want to hear some other, better, non-Tool Danny Carey, he also did session work for Skinny Puppy, Pigface, Green Jelly, and the aformentioned Melvins. I could have written about those collaborations, but that’s just not how clickbait works, bud.